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| From: |
Gail |
| Date: |
Saturday, July 05, 2008 1:09 AM ET |
| To: |
Karen |
| Subject: |
For Karen |
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Thanks for taking the time to write all of this to me. I can identify with a lot of it because my Mom died on Xmas in 1979 in an auto accident. She was always here for us and I always missed doing all of the mother/daughter things with my daughter with her. I always thought God took her to raise my children, she always used to say she wished we were little again.
I've been through a lot in my life, losing both children, going through so many surgeries and heath and legal issues with my Dad, losing our dog to a vet mistake, my sister had cancer but is doing well now, but losing Dennis just seems too much to bear. We went through everything together and now I'm really alone. Our daughter lives three hours away and as wonderful a father and grandfather my husband was, my daughter has just put it behind her or else she really hasn't faced it yet. After two weeks she just said she wasn't going to put her children through her being depressed and her life went on as normal. She says when she talks to me all I talk about is missing Dad and I told her that's not true, I do know what's going on with the kids and them but she says my heart isn't really in it. Yes, that's true, how could it be, I've lost my joy in living. My sister is in CA and I'm in IL and while my Dad is here, his health isn't good at all and with the shape I'm in, this is the first time I haven't been on top of things taking care of him and that hurts but I just can't handle it. I really don't know how people get through this and live alone. Maybe if I had lived alone when I was single, but I never did and Dennis and I were just so close. We just did everything together and lived for each other. Who would have ever thought I'd lose him going out for a nice bicycle ride for lunch before we were to go to a play because the weather happened to be unseasonably nice out that day. I feel like I've been cheated out of at least 20 more years and I don't know how to go on without him and even where to start.
I loved that your Mom said your Dad's arms around her were her best medicine. I can remember from as long as we were kids, if I was sick I was happiest laying with my head in Dennis' lap. The loneliness now just seems unbearable and it's getting worse as I'm weaning off of the antidepressant, I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I get off of the xanax too.
Dennis just had such an unshakable faith that God always has His reasons, I sure hope he's right because this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Losing our children was terrible, but I never even realized it could be worse because I could have had to do it without him like now. I need him to get me through this and he's not here to do it. I wasn't working at the time he died either because of all of the other things that had been going on in the past few years of our lives. I'm glad now that I wasn't, that we had more valuable time together, but now I really have to start a whole new life from scratch and just don't know where to begin. I know I'll never have what I had, to me it seems like it's just going to be an existence I'm going to have to get through until we can be together again.
Love, Gail |
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