bless you for caring for the terminally ill,what a blessing to those you care for.I imagine its not an easy thing to do but being who you are and believing as you do you must be a God send to those who are ill.
You left your job to follow your heart and Im sure you are doing a wonderful job even though I know it cant be easy for you. Holly,they took both my mother and my husband off of all their meds.With my mama once they gave her morphine,she never was able to communicate with anyone again.She did open her eyes at one point and looked over my and my sister-in-laws head and she smiled the most beautiful smile,her eyes twinkled,she closed them and never opened them again.I know she saw someone or something that made her very happy.
With my husband,even though he was not communicating I did not feel right about the morphine,I prayed out loud and ask God to guide me and the thought came to crush his pain pills in water and place slowly in the side of his mouth and that is what I did and I know it helped him.I woke up at 3:52am that morning and looked over at him and he seemed fine.I went back to sleep and woke again at 5:00am and that time I got up and when I turned on the light I knew he had passed. My thought was should I have turned up his oxygen and immediately a voice in my head said "then you would have worried about that" I knew it was Bill,and for sure I would have.I think its normal to want to punish ourselves when we lose someone we love,we do the what ifs and should haves etc.why we do it I do not know but I think its a pretty common thing to do.
Holly,you did all you could do for your mother,please let the guilt go,do it for her,she wants you to have peace with her passing.If the situation was reverse you would want that for her too.Your parents are with you Holly,watching over you and sending you so much love and how proud they must be that you are giving so selflessly to help others who are terminally ill.
I understand about being a loner,I guess I am too to a degree but the job you have of helping those who are sick has to be so rewarding.I have thought of volunteering for hospice but as of yet I have not done that,I do not know what holds me back.I would probably be let go because if I volunteered I would want to talk to the patients about the afterlife in hopes that would comfort them in some way and I don't know if that would be acceptable to hospice. But I feel there have been times when the subject has come up with some of your patients and you have helped them through their fears.
Well, Holly,I know this is lengthy so I will close for now,please take good care of yourself and keep up your good works. May love,blessings and peace always be with you. Josie